Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
