Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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