Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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