9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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