When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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