She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
