I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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