i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
