Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
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I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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