i just wanna soil my oats bro
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
