I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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