I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
