someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
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My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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