drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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