the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
