On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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