in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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