i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
operation have a gay friend backfired
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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