I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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