the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
