dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
