My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Acid is not a monday night drug
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
