Im at strip club and am horny
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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