It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
