I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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