2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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