Sacagawea was the original milf.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
