I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
