I wish my penis had an off switch
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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