Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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