I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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