he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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