Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
