You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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