I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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