I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
