I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
