I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
