I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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