i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
