So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
