my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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