even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
