Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
