i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
