There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
