Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
