Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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