Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
