need another drink. this is the easiest way
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
