coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
