Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
