I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
