Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
