Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
