I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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