Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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