I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
