im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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