There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
